Don’t let anyone tell you Thanksgiving is just about gratitude. What Thanksgiving is truly about is getting stoned, getting the munchies, and then getting into tense political debates with your family while stuffing your face until you pass out on the couch. 

This year, we have a suggestion. Skip the tired tariffs debate and opt for a topic that is less likely to end up with potatoes flying: The Presidential Turkey Pardon. Why not debate killing a turkey while you eat one? It is, after all, the single most pressing national issue. 

What’s that? You didn’t write a PhD dissertation on the socio-political, anthropological, and bioethical ramifications of the Turkey Pardon? No worries. We actually did. And we’ve generously compiled this primer for you outlining both sides of the debate. So study up and pick a side. 

Anti Pardon

1. Moral nonsense! Pardon one bird while millions get eaten nationally? What’s the point of celebrating ourselves for saving one bird on a day we also celebrate mass bird consumption? This is hypocrisy at worst and nonsense at best! 
2. Minnesotans will sue you!: Minnesota turkey lobbyists have forbidden their state governor from pardoning turkeys since the early 2000s. Because, they argued, we don’t raise turkeys to be pardoned. They say that treating livestock like pets sends mixed messages. Former Governor Mark Dayton even implied he’d been threatened with lawsuits by industry attorneys for trying to turkey pardon. And hey, what’s more American than litigation? 
3. Pardon cannabis prisoners instead! There are still about 40,000 people in jail for cannabis, which is absurd. Maybe we should pardon them first? Free the weed heads, fry the turkey!
4. Turkeys came up short! The turkey was going to be our national bird but the eagle won out. Good thing, because eagle meat is probably pretty gamey. 

Pro Pardon 

1. It’s funny! Funny things are important. Because people are sad. Who doesn’t want to see a 50-pound bird nervously side-eyeing the leader of the free world?
2. Forgiveness, people! Also, one bird’s life is spared! Would you argue that it’s wrong to save one human life? Never! We believe in forgiveness, don’t we? The pardon teaches our nation’s children our values. And they’re going to need a lot of forgiveness to get through their own family holidays some day. 
3. Big day for the bird! The turkey gets to meet the President and that’s pretty cool for them. 
4. The last bipartisan frontier! Lastly, the pardon is a reminder that we can still do something ridiculous and pointless and laugh about it together as a nation. Nothing brings people together like shared confusion over why we’re all taking it so seriously. And that’s beautiful, man.

Family Pardon

Listen –– many American families are divided these days over politics. But you know what they’re less divided over? Weed. Why not invite your Boomer uncle Bob on that “quick walk” you’re gonna take before dinner with a Quicke, https://districtcannabis.us/products/pave-quickies-0-35g-5pk-1-75g/ ?Get… basted together and try to pardon each other for whatever political disagreements you may have. Because at the end of the day, we’re all turkeys in our own ways. Just remember to Febreze yourselves before coming back inside. 

Happy Thanksgiving from all of us Turkey Pardon PhDs at District Cannabis. 

WEED THE PEOPLE